My mother always said there were two words that did not describe me - Petite and Demure. I am not small in any way. I am tall. 5' 11" in fact. I have a large frame (not saying big boned because I hate that term). I wear a size 12 shoe, a size 9 ring, and most bracelets can't even make it around my wrist. So I am just big even if I weighed 180 pounds instead of 280. My size or my perception of my size made me feel powerful. But I also hated the size of body. I think my confidence came from being physically intimidating. It was an emotional roller coaster.
I never felt like I could be a part of fat acceptance because I was not even accepting of my own body. How could I promote something positive when I would grab my own stomach and tell myself I was awful? Body shaming became incredibly real for me when I started losing weight. People who would not have given me the time of day were now suddenly celebrating my weight loss. It was as if I became socially acceptable to them. I wasn't a lazy fat person anymore. I was actually becoming socially acceptable. It still pains me greatly. At first I was thrilled to have these people pay attention to me, now I don't really want to engage with them, I want to educate them.
This process has made me change my emotions and thoughts about my body. I love it now. If I never lose another pound I will always love my body. It is so much healthier then it used to be. I still have a stomach apron, I have lots more sagging skin, and I have more to accomplish. But I love it. It is my vessel and only good things will happen if I take care of it.
I was not able to be an advocate before but I am now. We all need to love ourselves. Now I stand up and say No Body Shaming, Love Yourself More, Don't Let Anyone Crush That Love.